While it’s important to maintain objective awareness of measures that indicate your business’ health (e.g., size and quality of your client base, cash flow, projected revenue, etc.), it’s a mistake to focus on what’s wrong with your business, how poorly it’s performing or what isn’t happening that should be, etc.

If you believe all the recent (and ancient) literature supporting the concept that thought is creative, it becomes apparent how powerful our thoughts are in creating eventual outcomes.  Regardless of what you believe, most will agree that pessimistic thinking rarely leads to realization of one’s dreams.

The greatest value of knowing where you are is that it helps clarify where you want to be.  The truth is we often become most easily aware of what we want by experiencing what we don’t want.

Research indicates that we can best reach our goals by continuously focusing on their achievement. Those most successful not only think about what they want, but also imagine that they already have it. (Of course, their success also involves taking appropriate action).

It sounds pretty straight forward, but here’s the tricky part:  focusing on what you want is very different than dwelling on what’s not yet in place-or bemoaning the undesired aspects of the current situation-very different.

Most of us need to retrain our minds to engage in continuous positive thinking.  This requires focus on what is working well in challenging situations (there’s most always something), as well as envisioning future desired outcomes.

Each time we catch ourselves in negative thought patterns (e.g., scaring ourselves about awful things that could happen), we can gently guide our minds to the safety of more positive thoughts. 

No matter what your business’ current state, keep in mind that things are always changing.  I encourage you to focus consciously and often on what you want those changes to be.  While positive thinking can take practice, its fruits can be amazing!

About five years ago, I began what turned out to be one of the most challenging periods of my career.  After 10 years of successful business partnership, I launched a new solo consulting practice.  While this truly was right timing, the economy was in a tenacious recession and consulting services like mine were considered a luxury in even the most forward-thinking organizations.

Proactive by nature, I immediately launched an “all-hands-on-deck” business development strategy-my hands, of course, being the only ones involved.  I proceeded to labor, day and night-networking, writing, speaking, proposing-all in an enthusiastic effort to quickly birth a healthy new consulting practice.

What I really began was one of the longest, most frustrating years of my life. Taking proactivity to a whole new level-a “wheel spinning” one-my actions became more anxiety-driven with each passing week. The stress was tremendous. What I didn’t remember, even after years of coaching others, is that it can take time-sometimes a long time-to develop a new business.

Eventually, about 18 months in, tangible progress came.  I was offered what developed into a series of wonderful long-term projects-more challenging work than I’d been prepared for in the past-and with it, a great new client base, well worth the wait.

What I hadn’t realized during the long period of “nothing happening” was that an essential process was actually taking place:

I was becoming a much stronger, more seasoned and empowered consultant.

As I reflect on those first 18 months, I spent about 95% of my time “doing” (networking, writing, speaking, proposing) and about 5% “being” (meditating, journaling, visioning).  I believe that a 50/50 split would’ve better served me, not just making my journey more pleasant, but perhaps also bringing quicker results.

I’ve learned that when anxiety is knocking at the door (or camping in one’s living room), it’s often best to pursue “being-type”activities.  Here are a few of my favorites:

• sit quietly, close your eyes and relax; observe your breathing for a few minutes
• gently ask yourself what you most want and record your responses in a journal
• spend 30 minutes doing anything out in nature
• visit an art museum and stroll the galleries

Like a caterpillar, time in a cocoon (of nothing seeming to be happening) can be a lonely experience or one of joyful expectation-it all depends on one’s ability to trust the natural power of transformation.  I encourage you to trust it.

When I partner with other people on projects, I often get the “short end of the stick.” I end up taking on more than my share of the work or doing things that benefit the other person at my own expense. I can’t blame anyone, because I don’t speak up enough about what I want. Can you help me figure out how to change this?

Thanks,

Carrie

Dear Carrie,

There may be many contributing factors, but in simplest terms it sounds like you’re placing the wants and needs of others above your own. It’s fine to do this sometimes, when you’ve considered the circumstances and made a conscious decision to do so. It’s a problem when it becomes a pattern. If you want one thing and the other person wants something else, an opportunity to negotiate arises. If you give in without communicating what you want, the other person might not realize that you’re being accommodating. This lessens the likelihood that things will go your way the next time around out of simple fairness.

The first step is to know exactly what you want in a situation. With clarity often comes the courage to speak up. The next step is to learn techniques to negotiate effectively. There are many resources to support development of these skills: workshops, videos, audio programs-I recommend the following two books which many find very helpful:

Getting To Yes, by Roger Fisher and Bill Ury-it’s a classic guide to negotiation and includes principles that can prove effective even when you’re the only one using them.

Stand Up for Your Life, by Cheryl Richardson-it’s a wonderful source of practical steps to build self-confidence and shift patterns like the one you describe (and it’s also very inspiring).

The best thing about practicing negotiation skills is that you begin to get more of what you want-great reward for the effort. Good luck!

Getting People to Talk in Meetings

Dear Jill,

I lead a lot of group meetings and find it challenging to get people to participate. Often I’ll ask a group a question and just get silence or one person over-participates. Do you have any tips on how to get people to talk?

Thank you,

Linda

Dear Linda,

This is an age old issue that can challenge even the most talented meeting facilitators. I suggest that you try adding a little structure. You can prepare a handout before a meeting with questions you want to ask. Invite participants to complete the handout individually-in the meeting-before you begin discussion. (People are much more likely to voice responses that they’ve just recorded.) Once people have completed the handout, state your expectations, e.g., “It would be great to hear from everyone on this.” If the group tends to be really quiet, you can invite one person to begin and then circle the table, asking for each person’s input.

Sometimes the best way to handle an “over-participator” is to encourage others to chime in. You might try simply saying: “Let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet…” This is likely to increase others’ participation and sends a message to those who dominate.

There is also a great book I’ll recommend: How To Make Meetings Work! by Michael Doyle-it’s a “tried and true” guide to planning and facilitating meetings, and includes strategies on how to deal with a wide array of challenges.

The most effective facilitators are often the most flexible, so it’s helpful to have several tools in your kit. I encourage you to speak with other meeting facilitators to share challenges, tools and techniques. This is a great topic for peer coaching!

Dear Jill,

I hired a few new grads last year and am challenged by their attitudes.  They only want to work nine to five. They feel that the administrative parts of their jobs are beneath them.   They started seeking advancement even before they’d learned the basics of their current roles. Do you have any ideas on how to motivate people in this generation?

Thank you,

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

As a management consultant, I’ve heard many managers lament over the work ethic of new grads they’ve hired. I can certainly empathize with the challenges both you and they describe.  While much has been written on the differing values of recent generations, the keys to motivating employees remain constant.  Here’s what I suggest:

            Keys to Motivating High Performance

• Think about and treat each staff member as a unique individual

• Identify what each person values most (e.g., professional development, advancement, high-profile work, time off, etc.)

• Find ways to give employees what they most value in exchange for delivering what you most want (e.g., high quality performance, positive attitude, willingness to work additional hours, etc.)

• Provide positive feedback and reinforcement for desired behaviors.

For example, if one of your people really wants professional development, invite him or her to shadow you on a high-profile project. Be explicit about your willingness to invest in the employee’s development, as long as he or she puts forth best effort (e.g., demonstrates a positive attitude toward the more mundane aspects of his or her work). Coach the employee on performing a few of the project’s tasks and provide positive feedback, as appropriate. Your interest alone is likely to bolster the employee’s attitude.

Finally, try to avoid generalizing about the generational roots of younger staff’s attitudes.  Current research confirms that people are most motivated by feeling valued and appreciated by their employers-a constant across generations.  Good luck!

When Clients Leave Their Jobs

Hi Jill,

I’ve had a number of key clients leave their positions over the past two years, mostly due to reorganizations. Some have taken new jobs and others have retired. This has had a major impact on my project sales. Do you have any suggestions on how to maintain business when a primary contact leaves?

Thanks,

Brenda

Dear Brenda,

It can be very challenging when a key client leaves a position-particularly if he or she represents a large percentage of your client base.  Keep in mind that just because people leave their jobs, doesn’t mean that they want to leave their relationships with you.

Depending on the strength of your relationship and the particular situation, many clients would be happy to assist you in maintaining business in their organizations. You might ask for the following types of help:

If you aren’t currently providing services, ask if your client can give you even a small project prior to leaving-ideally one that will require face-to-face meetings with the individual taking his or her place.

If this isn’t possible, perhaps your client can recommend your services to the individual coming on board and arrange an opportunity for you two to meet.

This also might be an excellent time to ask your client for other referrals within the organization-or elsewhere-even if you’ve done so in the past. 

Whether your client is changing jobs or retiring, express a desire to continue the relationship, if appropriate, and then follow-up.

Client departures serve as excellent milestones to express gratitude, both for the client’s business and anything else that you’ve received. Paradoxically, such transitions can carry relationships to the next level!

Most important, if you stay positive, you’re likely to discover new opportunities these seeming “losses” can create!

Dear Jill,

During the past few years, I’ve gotten in touch with some dreams for my professional life. I’ve read books on attracting what we want, but don’t seem to be making much progress. Is there any particular “secret” you’d suggest?

Thanks,
Jenn

Dear Jenn,

Although some dreams seem long in coming, we never really know how close they are. I’ve coached many job seekers who swore that nothing was happening in their searches the day before they received word of their dream jobs.

I don’t have a particular “secret” to share, but I’ve come to believe that whatever we focus on expands. I’d encourage you to do two things with great consistency:

1. Continue to envision yourself working in your ideal career and feeling how you’ll feel when this is actually happening.
2. Maintain close awareness of your thoughts and let any negative, pessimistic, despairing ones go. Each time you do this, repeat step 1. above—even for just 30 seconds.

I believe these daily moment-to-moment practices are key to realizing our dreams. I also suggest you read any book by Esther and Jerry Hicks—my favorite is: The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent.

Most important, hang in there–if you follow these steps, I have every confidence that you’ll experience progress soon!

Encouraging Employee Politeness

Dear Jill,

One of my high performers seems to lack social grace when she communicates with her staff. When she asks someone for something, it often sounds like an order. She also can be overly critical when staff make mistakes. I’ve tried to talk with her, but she gets defensive. She’s always polite with customers, so I know that she can do it. How can I help her to improve?

Thanks,
Andrea

Dear Andrea,

The best way to encourage an employee to change is to give her the motivation to do so.

Many years ago, I managed a young woman who often got into conflict with peers. Fortunately, she also wanted to be promoted. One day I told her that I was willing to sell her advancement to “higher ups,” but that she needed to get along better with others to be considered. With this new motivation, she quickly improved her interactions with teammates. Before long, people throughout the organization were commenting on her transformation. She was promoted within six months and she deserved it.

Here are some tips that might be helpful in working with your employee:

* First, identify something she wants that you have the power to give her.

* Then link her getting what she wants with her willingness to be more polite with staff.

* Praise how she communicates with customers and suggest that she use these skills to relate better with her team—she might view staff as valued resources (like customers) who help her to achieve her goals.

* Model some ways that she can speak to her staff when making requests or providing constructive feedback.

* Finally, ask for her openness to receive reinforcement and coaching from you during the coming month.

Try to be optimistic—there’s a good chance that your efforts will bear fruit (and her staff will be so grateful)!
If you have a question about a leadership or team issue in the workplace, please write to AskJill@womenandbiz.com.

Dear Jill,

I’m an independent consultant and have spent many years building a healthy practice. I’ve been approached several times by professional associations to take on volunteer roles, but have chosen instead to focus on my business. I’m at a point now when I’d like to volunteer, but am not attracted to the roles I’ve been offered. I’m afraid to make a commitment to something that I won’t enjoy. How can I be sure that I make the right choice?

Thank you,
Ann

Dear Ann,

It sounds like you sincerely want to volunteer and also to avoid making a mistake. Please know that many people experience similar concerns about long-term volunteer commitments and sometimes even about one-hour shifts! Hopefully this won’t inhibit your moving forward. Try to keep the following in mind:

1. It’s very important to enjoy volunteer work—the right opportunity can bring incredible fulfillment!

2. It’s often fine to “test out” a role, before making a firm commitment. It’s even okay to step down from an accepted role, if it really isn’t working out. (It might be helpful in such a situation to offer your assistance in finding a replacement.)

I encourage you to approach finding the right volunteer opportunity as an exciting adventure. The most fulfilling experiences often involve causes to which you feel a personal connection. It also can be very meaningful to volunteer in roles quite different from your daily work.

You can start by learning more about where friends and colleagues volunteer. If you aren’t drawn to these types of opportunities, then cast your net wider. United Way sponsors a great web site which lists volunteer opportunities in people’s local communities—visit www.volunteersolutions.org to learn more.

I feel confident that you’ll find just the right opportunity, Ann, and thanks in advance for offering your service!

Building Team Morale

Dear Jill,

I manage a project team that’s been together for about two years—six months longer than originally planned. We’ve run into technical problems and are experiencing delays, budget issues and lots of tension. While we’re making progress with systems challenges, I’m concerned about the team’s morale. People are finding fault with each other and arguing over petty things. Do you have any suggestions to improve this situation?

Thanks,
Heidi

Dear Heidi,

It’s very natural for a team to enter a stage of “storming”—conflict—when the chips are down, especially over a prolonged period. It sounds like you’re addressing technical-related problems, but need a strategy to rebuild team spirit.

I suggest you help the team to reflect on their current situation and what they’d most like to have happen. Then engage people in creating a multi-faceted plan to boost their spirits. Start by asking team members to record their responses to the following questions:

1. How would you describe our team’s current situation?

(Sample response: We’ve given it our all for a long time and now we’ve had it! We’re starting to take things out on each other.)

2. What would you like our team’s situation to be ideally?

(Sample response: We’ve worked through our technical issues and we’re on track. We’re relieved and feeling more positive. We’re enjoying working together again.)

3. What do we have going for us that will help us to reach this goal?

(Sample response: We’re a talented group. We’ve worked through these kinds of issues in the past. We’re all great people and we really like each other.)

Invite team members to share their responses to the first question, followed by the second and third. Then share your own perspective, praising team members for their dedication and perseverance. Describe positive qualities that you’ve observed in the team and communicate your confidence that they’ll be successful. Then engage the team in brainstorming a list of activities to lift their spirits. Create a plan together to be implemented throughout the remainder of the project.

Finally, take private time to develop your own personal plan of morale-building treats. As leader, you play a key role in nurturing your team, and to do this effectively, you must first nurture yourself!
If you have a question about a leadership or team issue in the workplace, please write to AskJill@womenandbiz.com.

Dear Jill,

I seem to attract people who want to tell me their problems. This is a pattern that happens at work, as well as in my personal relationships. I started my own business three years ago, and I still get calls for help from people at my old company. Is there a way to prevent this?

Thank you,
Melanie

Dear Melanie,

I’ve worked with many clients who’ve found themselves the key confidant or counselor in their workplace. While it can be very fulfilling to help others, it also can be draining to do this in excess. I encourage you to contemplate the following questions:

* Why do you think that others come to you with their problems?
* Are there parts of this role that you actually like, and if so, why?

Your responses will help guide how to move forward. You may learn that a part of you is actually fed by counseling others—for instance, that it builds your self-esteem. In this case, you may decide to shift your focus from being there for others to being there for yourself—something ultimately more rewarding.

Breaking this pattern will also require communicating differently with those who approach you for help. Many have found the following resources very helpful.

Stand Up For Your Life, A Practical Step-By-Step Plan To Build Inner Confidence And Personal Power, by Cheryl Richardson.

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Sheila Heen, Bruce Patton and Douglas Stone.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself as you release this pattern. It takes courage to pursue positive change and I’m sure that you’ll attract just the help you need!

Embracing Career Change…

Dear Jill,

I’ve been doing project management work for most of my career. I used to find it very fulfilling, but have become increasingly bored the past few years. I’ve tried to motivate myself, but the truth is, I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m over 40 and can’t imagine what else I’d do. I feel trapped and would appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you,
Sandra

Dear Sandra,

It sounds like you’re experiencing something that many face in mid-career: a once rewarding profession has gradually lost its appeal. They say that when one door closes, another opens—and it’s true—however, it usually takes some time to discover one’s next career. While it can be stressful to pursue transition, it also can be one of the most exciting periods of your life. Here are a few suggestions to help you get started.

* First, reassure yourself that nothing is wrong (as often as you need to). Leaving your current profession is a required step in identifying a new, more rewarding one.
* Find the right career coach for you—someone qualified, who can support you through each step of your transition.
* Contact the Career Planning Office at colleges or universities that you’ve attended. There may be many services of interest and often at no charge.
* Begin keeping a daily journal, focused on how you’re experiencing your transition. Recording hopes and fears not only can reduces stress, but also will create a timeline with important milestones.
* Try to find or create a support group of other transitioners. Peer coaching can positively affect the pace, duration and ultimate success of your journey.
* Step up your personal self-care (e.g., diet, exercise, rest, etc.). This effort alone can greatly increase your well-being.

And when and if you feel that things aren’t happening fast enough, try to be patient. The growth you’re achieving through this transition may be required for success in your new career!

If you have a question about a leadership or team issue in the workplace, please write to AskJill@womenandbiz.com.

Hi Jill,

I’ve been struggling for years with too much to do in too little time. Even backlogged, I manage to exceed my clients’ expectations. But, my responsibilities have just increased and I’m afraid I might drop one of the balls I’m juggling. Do you have any suggestions to help me stay on top of things?

Sincerely,
Ellen

Dear Ellen,

There’s not a ball juggler out there who can’t relate to your concern. It sounds like you want to save time without sacrificing high performance. I encourage you to contemplate the following question:

* As someone who consistently exceeds client expectations, are you bringing a level of perfection to certain tasks that don’t warrant that degree of quality or the time required to achieve it?

One of my clients recently realized that she’d spent three hours developing the fourth draft of a report, when in all likelihood, her client would’ve been very pleased with the third. The same client’s assistant once told me that she sometimes rewrites post-it notes to her manager three or four times, striving to achieve better wording and penmanship! (I wasn’t surprised—a manager’s perfectionism can filter down, diminishing the effectiveness of her whole group.)

I encourage you to develop a new habit:

* Monitor the level of quality that you try to achieve with each task—particularly those that seem to take too long.
* Then choose when to deem things “good enough,” before devoting unnecessary time and effort.

Many of my clients have found this one practice to greatly increase their productivity—and also reduce their stress!

Staying Fit When We’re Busy

Hi Jill,

My job has gotten so busy, that I no longer have time to go to the gym. I also find myself feeling stressed and eating more junk food. Have you got any ideas on how to break these patterns?

Thank you,
Linda

Dear Linda,

It can be very difficult to find time for the gym in a fast-paced work environment. Just as exercise can reduce tension, its absence can lead to greater stress and cravings for high-calorie snacks.

Sometimes stress also leads to “all or nothing” thinking. Do either of these lines sound familiar?

“Since I ate two danishes for breakfast, I might as well have dessert at lunch—what the difference?”

“If I can’t exercise for one hour four times a week, then why bother?”

I encourage you to focus on making healthy choices one by one throughout your day. Each healthy choice will strengthen your self-discipline and motivate you to continue choosing wisely.

For instance, it might take great discipline to choose nonfat yogurt over chocolate cake for a mid-afternoon snack, but this decision increases the likelihood that you’ll eat a healthy dinner.

Try to bring healthy, tasty snacks to work—fruits, vegetables, low-fat yogurts and cheeses—so there’s something “good for you” on hand when the urge to eat strikes. This requires a little planning and preparation, but is well worth the effort.

If you can’t find time for a full gym workout, build in mini-periods of exercise during your day. Here are two of my favorites:

* Park further away from your building on your way to work or get off the train a stop early—10 minute brisk walks can help reduce stress.
* Take the stairs, rather than the elevator, whenever possible—just a few flights can make a big difference, particularly three or four times a day.

Try to set realistic expectations of yourself. It might be a great achievement to gain just a few pounds during a particularly stressful month rather than 10! Most important, if you make an unhealthy choice, be compassionate with yourself and bring your best effort to the next choice you make!

If you have a question about a leadership or team issue in the workplace, please write to AskJill@womenandbiz.com.

Hi Jill,

I attend a lot of business conferences. While I enjoy the structured educational sessions, I can feel very uncomfortable during the social networking periods. I feel shy about approaching people I don’t know and often get a nervous stomach. Sometimes I duck out at the beginning, but I’d rather learn how to deal with this. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks,
Julie

Dear Julie,

I’ve worked with many clients who’ve experienced similar discomfort at business social events—in fact, I think that most people do to some degree. Fortunately there are simple techniques which can greatly increase your ease in such situations. Below are a few suggestions that clients have found particularly helpful:

* Find a quiet place to take a few moments for yourself before entering the networking event. Take five or six slow, deep abdominal breaths to release stress and restore a sense of physiological calm.

* Become aware of any negative thoughts or self-talk you’re experiencing about the situation or yourself. Be a sympathetic listener and also try to reassure yourself that this will be a positive experience that you will actually enjoy.

* As you enter the room, choose to “be the seer and not the seen.” Remember that other people also might feel a bit shy or uncomfortable. You can greatly diminish your own anxiety by helping others to feel welcome through your eye contact and smile.

* Remain very present and notice who you feel naturally drawn to approach. You might quietly join a small group of people or introduce yourself in a friendly way to someone standing alone.

* Release any expectations regarding the number of people you think you should meet—a meaningful conversation with just one individual can be of tremendous value to you both.

Good luck and try to be patient with yourself. It may take practice to become more comfortable in these situations, but the rewards are well worth the personal investment.

Leveraging Professional Associations

Dear Jill,

I’ve recently gone through career transition and am starting out in a new field. I’m planning to join one or two professional associations and want to make the most of it. Can you share any tips?

Thank you,
Jean

Dear Jean,

Congratulations on your new career! Professional associations can be a very fruitful means of making new contacts. Here are a few ideas to help you leverage your efforts:

* Choose the right association to achieve your specific goals. Do you want to meet colleagues in your new field to gain professional development and support? Or are you more interested in networking with people in your new customer base? You may want to check with other colleagues to learn which associations are the most respected in your field.

* Commit to active participation and consistently attend meetings and special events.

* Invest the time and energy to get to know others. Try to schedule one-on-one networking meetings with people you enjoy speaking with at programs. Begin to develop relationships with people who can support your professional goals.

* Request a list of the association’s committees and identify a few you might like to join. Consider criteria such as your interest in the committee’s charter, as well as the potential professional benefit of getting to know its members. Try to meet individually with the chairperson of each of your potential choices to learn more about what’s involved.

Active participation in associations can be extremely fulfilling both personally and professionally. Best wishes for success in building your new network!
If you have a question about a leadership or team issue in the workplace, please write to AskJill@womenandbiz.com.

Dear Jill,

I’m dealing with a sensitive issue with my administrative assistant. She delivers high quality work, but often arrives a little late to the office. I haven’t said much, because it hasn’t created any real problems, and I don’t want to come across as heavy-handed. We come from two very different backgrounds and cultures, and I’m concerned that I might say the wrong thing. Do you have any thoughts on how I can address this?

Thanks,
Anne

Dear Anne,

Please know that you’re in good company—even the most experienced managers can find it challenging to deliver constructive feedback. It’s particularly important to focus on establishing good communication when diversity is involved, as there’s greater likelihood for misunderstanding. I would encourage you to speak with your assistant, and the following questions might help you to prepare:

Identify the behavior targeted for feedback:

* How would you accurately describe the specific behavior that requires feedback?(who, what, when, where)

Describe the effect this behavior has on you and others:

* When the above behavior occurs, what is the specific consequence for you? Others?

* Can you describe the effects of the above behavior in a way that informs and educates the receiver (trying not to blame)?

Identify your objective/desired outcome:

* What specific behavioral changes do you desire as a result of the feedback conversation?

* How can the relationship between you and the receiver be improved as a result of the feedback conversation? What specific interpersonal/relational changes are desired?

Develop your message:

* How can you begin your message in a way that prepares and opens the receiver to your feedback?

* What can you do during this discussion to ensure that when it ends, the receiver’s self-esteem will remain intact or even be raised?

After you’ve prepared, schedule time to meet with your assistant. Remember to provide positive feedback before the constructive. You might begin by sharing how pleased you are with the quality of her work, and the difference that her contribution makes. It would be best for her to leave your meeting feeling highly valued, and motivated to address the performance issue identified.

I also recommend a wonderful resource for managers on diversity-related issues, Workplace Diversity: A Manager’s Guide to Solving Problems and Turning Diversity into a Competitive Advantage by Katharine Esty, Richard Griffin, Marcie Schorr Hirsch.

Coaching Employee Development: Skills and Perspective

Hi Jill,

I’m a manager in a small company and one of my people is having problems with an employee in another group. He’s had difficulty getting information from her and seems to take it personally. I’ve coached him with some success, but he’s formed a grudge against this woman. Can you suggest how to deal with this? He’s has a lot of potential, and I want to help him to develop.

Thanks,
Marsha

Dear Marsha,

I want to commend you for focusing on your employee’s development, as well as his performance. It sounds like you’ve coached him to work more effectively with his associate. Now you can provide perspective to help him see things in the most beneficial light. Below is an excerpt from a model I developed to help clients deal positively with people-related challenges. You might find it helpful, as you continue to coach his development.

Leverage the development opportunity inherent in every people-related challenge you encounter…

* Try to envision challenging people as actors portraying very specific roles custom-designed to assist your professional and personal development. This perspective enables you to step out of the stress and unpleasantness of emotional negativity, and into a kind of “oasis of objectivity.” Seen as a beneficial growth opportunity, the difficult situation draws out your natural creativity and highest wisdom. Suddenly, you are at your very best in dealing with the challenging scenario.

* Maintain the perspective that no people-related challenge is too big or more than you can handle. Believe that you have what it takes to manage any situation in your path (keeping in mind that eventual outcomes may be different from your initial goals for situations). Remember also that no people-related challenge is ever too small for you, no matter how petty or trivial it may seem. Remain humble, and approach each new issue with as fresh and respectful a perspective as possible.

* Try to be compassionate with yourself as well as with others involved. (Any virtue you can bring to bear will most certainly serve you.) Remember that each of us has more to learn—that we are all very much “works in progress.”

Whether or not your employee is ready to release his grudge, he will most certainly benefit from your focus on his development. This kind of investment can go a long way!
If you have a question about a leadership or team issue in the workplace, please write to AskJill@womenandbiz.com.