Hi Jill,

When I partner with other people on projects, I often get the “short end of the stick.” I end up taking on more than my share of the work or doing things that benefit the other person at my own expense. I can’t blame anyone, because I don’t speak up enough about what I want. Can you help me figure out how to change this?

Thanks,

Carrie

Dear Carrie,

There may be many contributing factors, but in simplest terms it sounds like you’re placing the wants and needs of others above your own. It’s fine to do this sometimes, when you’ve considered the circumstances and made a conscious decision to do so. It’s a problem when it becomes a pattern. If you want one thing and the other person wants something else, an opportunity to negotiate arises. If you give in without communicating what you want, the other person might not realize that you’re being accommodating. This lessens the likelihood that things will go your way the next time around out of simple fairness.

The first step is to know exactly what you want in a situation. With clarity often comes the courage to speak up. The next step is to learn techniques to negotiate effectively. There are many resources to support development of these skills: workshops, videos, audio programs-I recommend the following two books which many find very helpful:

Getting To Yes, by Roger Fisher and Bill Ury-it’s a classic guide to negotiation and includes principles that can prove effective even when you’re the only one using them.

Stand Up for Your Life, by Cheryl Richardson-it’s a wonderful source of practical steps to build self-confidence and shift patterns like the one you describe (and it’s also very inspiring).

The best thing about practicing negotiation skills is that you begin to get more of what you want-great reward for the effort. Good luck!

Getting People to Talk in Meetings

Dear Jill,

I lead a lot of group meetings and find it challenging to get people to participate. Often I’ll ask a group a question and just get silence or one person over-participates. Do you have any tips on how to get people to talk?

Thank you,

Linda

Dear Linda,

This is an age old issue that can challenge even the most talented meeting facilitators. I suggest that you try adding a little structure. You can prepare a handout before a meeting with questions you want to ask. Invite participants to complete the handout individually-in the meeting-before you begin discussion. (People are much more likely to voice responses that they’ve just recorded.) Once people have completed the handout, state your expectations, e.g., “It would be great to hear from everyone on this.” If the group tends to be really quiet, you can invite one person to begin and then circle the table, asking for each person’s input.

Sometimes the best way to handle an “over-participator” is to encourage others to chime in. You might try simply saying: “Let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet…” This is likely to increase others’ participation and sends a message to those who dominate.

There is also a great book I’ll recommend: How To Make Meetings Work! by Michael Doyle-it’s a “tried and true” guide to planning and facilitating meetings, and includes strategies on how to deal with a wide array of challenges.

The most effective facilitators are often the most flexible, so it’s helpful to have several tools in your kit. I encourage you to speak with other meeting facilitators to share challenges, tools and techniques. This is a great topic for peer coaching!